Celebrating my journey of motherhood

Masters or a Baby : A never ending war within

Masters or a Baby : A never ending war within

After 2 years of marriage, and moving to a whole new country, leaving behind my career was a hard thing to do. My days were so monotonous with endless TV series, shopping, meeting friends. I never thought of something productive. I would laze around all day on the couch like a potato. While I just frittered away my precious time, my friends were pursuing their Masters. I was struck by a storm of thoughts about (peer pressure you know) why I am not utilizing the opportunity of being a dependent visa holder. I still remember that phase of deciding between a career or a baby. It was a never ending war inside me.

I had loads of questionnaires on how to go about it. I did all my research and got my GRE and TOEFL scores to begin with. Then started the brainstorming thoughts of which college? Tuition fee? Will I do justice by asking my husband to pay for it? After a lot of yes and no’s in my mind, I decided to get a student loan for my masters. By the time I settled over a plan, it came as a shock to me that most of the colleges I had applied for was past the deadline.

A wait for whole another year for the next admission process. I do not know if it was my negligence or was it a sign for me to look through the tunnel for the light. I was in tears that nothing works for me like it does for others. That’s when we decided to have a baby.

That’s when I understood things will never go as we planned. I anyway had a year to push for my masters and so I thought why not? At that point, I just thought it’s a phase and I am getting over with it pretty early than others (trust me when you read this). A part of me said go for it but somewhere I always had a thought if I would be able to do justice.

Being a 25 year old then, I was so skeptical about being a mother. I had so many unanswered questions all over my head!

“Will I be able to give my best for the child?”

“Will I be a good mother?”

“Can I look after the child all alone without anyone’s help in an unknown country?”

“Am I ready?”

“Is my career done?”

I had a few inspirations around me where one of my acquaintances had completed a masters after having two kids, another friend of mine was pursuing with a long semester break for spending time with her child. I thought maybe it’s not impossible.

Against all the odds, I decided for the best. Like many other people who have their priorities and phases of life planned, like, it has to be education, career, marriage, child and so on, I had mine. I decided I wanted to have a baby as I always wanted to be a mother when I had all the time in the world for them. With a few raised eyebrows I was pretty sure of what I was getting into.

All I did was made my dream wait a bit longer. Masters could always wait but not my journey being a mother. My career can always come back strong, but not my time with the newborn.

Only after my daughter was born, I knew what a content feeling it was. It was not a wrong decision I thought. Still young, I have all the energy to take care of her all alone. I have a long time ahead now to achieve my goals and dreams.

Now that she is independent and a little older I can do what I always wanted to. Yes, now I am rewriting my GRE and TOEFL (unfortunately the earlier ones expired) and applying for colleges for the  next term. I might be lagging behind in my professional checklist. So be it, education has no age limit like they always say. Career is everything to do with hard work for which I am prepared for.

Lastly, as most of my friends reach what the society perceives as a child rearing age, I have one advice. Have a baby for the right reason. Don’t have a baby because your mom thinks so, don’t have a baby because its time and please don’t have a baby because a baby will mend your disturbed marriage. Also, don’t have a baby just because you think you MUST have one. Raising a child is the biggest responsibility you will ever get. That’s a responsibility you (read both the parent) should be available round the clock. I am glad I took a right decision and I still stand by it.

So what do you think is your priority? Do you have a similar story, then share it below in the comments. Lets share our point of views so that it might help another mom-to-be or father-to-be.

Sayonara! Until next time….


1 thought on “Masters or a Baby : A never ending war within”

  • I can totally understand your state. I came to USA on dependent visa. Even though I knew I won’t be able to work but knowing about it and actually going through is very different. But then I did few short term courses and got into writing more seriously. And as you already mentioned “Raising a child is the biggest responsibility you will ever get. That’s a responsibility you (read both the parent) should be available round the clock.” Nothing can be so satisfactory than to see your child growing each day in front of your eyes. My kids are my biggest motivation to keep going.

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